Perspectives on Motherhood

I recently read Deep Work by Cal Newton and while I found the book insightful and resourceful in some ways, I found myself triggered in others. It’s a great book delving into the concept of "Deep Work" or the ability to focus completely on intellectually challenging work. In an increasingly distracted world, it's a vital skill that seems to be disappearing. But as a work-from-home mother, a lot of the content was challenging to replicate in my current situation. 

While transitioning careers, I work on my writing with no income. Currently, my youngest stays with me all day, every day. It’s difficult to dedicate a whole hour to uninterrupted writing time, let alone four. Reading the book I felt that flow state was something I could never reach and thus could never achieve my best work. I never work without interruption and distraction. 

It’s difficult to balance creative pursuits while raising four children and running a household. There are a zillion activities and appointments folded amongst mountains of laundry. Inconveniently, children need to eat multiple times a day. The grind of making dinner and cleaning dishes never ends.

It can be easy to focus on the challenges and the hardships. Our brains are wired to hang on to the negatives as a survival mechanism. I realized though that if everything stems from this stance of misery and lack, that idea is reinforced until it's cemented into place. It makes accomplishing those tasks even harder.

 I am never going to enjoy cleaning poop out of a pair—or four—of underwear and washing yet another load of laundry. But when I think, I’m doing this because I love my child and I want them to have clean clothes rather than—I can’t believe I have to do another load this makes my life so much harder--there is a difference in how those mundane and irritating chores feel.  This can be done with any care tasks, even self-care tasks. You could think, I’m cleaning the dishes now, so I don’t have to do them in the morning or so we have clean plates to use. I’m wiping the counters down because I like it when they are clean. These tasks don’t need to be enjoyable, but if we can remember the why and one positive outcome to accomplishing it, it helps make them slightly less miserable. 

Contemplating this mindset change, I began to apply it more broadly to motherhood as a whole. These years of raising babies, toddlers, and young children demand so much that at times we lose the point of it, and ourselves in the process. It’s incredibly draining to listen to kids scream and fight. Picking up the same set of toys seven times in a single day can make you wish for more humane forms of torture. It’s easy to focus on how difficult motherhood is. And it is difficult. But motherhood is powerful. World betteringly so. 

When you take a moment to think about how influential mothers are and mothering in general, it's mind-boggling. This power needn’t only apply to those with children. We live in communities of people and when you approach others with the compassion of a mother, its effect reaches far.

When you teach and connect with consideration and love people feel that. The power of kindness and attention knows no bounds. Think about how you felt after someone considered you or helped you accomplish something you struggled with, when you were, in effect, mothered. How did it affect your mood? Think about a time when you were hurting and you could turn to someone who loved you unconditionally and would listen to you without judgment. Think about a time when someone carved a space for you to feel and be in that moment whatever you needed to feel or be. Or perhaps imagine how it would be if someone could do that for you. How would your life be different? Imagine if you could be that, hold space for someone, cherish them, and support them into becoming who they are. 

There is real power in that. 

Amid the screaming chaos, if I say to myself, I will remain calm and present so that my child can work through their emotions—so that they can learn to process them in a healing and positive manner, I have an easier time handling the angry tantrum than if I focus on how much I hate the screaming and yelling. This attitude doesn’t make everything suddenly easy and I am very much a work in progress at having this attitude. Excessive noise makes me anxious so calming myself is a challenge. 

This approach doesn't remove the difficulties of parenthood. Still, our intent matters and the narrative we tell ourselves affects us on a cellular level. When we can focus on why remaining calm matters it can help us do so. Rewiring these pathways is not simple or easy, but I believe well worth the effort. 

Everyone can do this work, whether we are mothers or not, female or not. This capacity is in us all and we can each make the world a more beautiful place by spreading kindness and compassion.

Right now, I may not have a four-hour time block to dedicate to my writing, but I have the opportunity to support and love my children as they grow. I can show them that I care about them and love them with my actions and how I engage with them. I can teach them that I value myself and my work by making my writing a priority. Though not everything is in my control, I can control my attitude. And that can make all the difference.