Perspectives on Motherhood

I recently read Deep Work by Cal Newton and while I found the book insightful and resourceful in some ways, I found myself triggered in others. It’s a great book delving into the concept of "Deep Work" or the ability to focus completely on intellectually challenging work. In an increasingly distracted world, it's a vital skill that seems to be disappearing. But as a work-from-home mother, a lot of the content was challenging to replicate in my current situation. 

While transitioning careers, I work on my writing with no income. Currently, my youngest stays with me all day, every day. It’s difficult to dedicate a whole hour to uninterrupted writing time, let alone four. Reading the book I felt that flow state was something I could never reach and thus could never achieve my best work. I never work without interruption and distraction. 

It’s difficult to balance creative pursuits while raising four children and running a household. There are a zillion activities and appointments folded amongst mountains of laundry. Inconveniently, children need to eat multiple times a day. The grind of making dinner and cleaning dishes never ends.

It can be easy to focus on the challenges and the hardships. Our brains are wired to hang on to the negatives as a survival mechanism. I realized though that if everything stems from this stance of misery and lack, that idea is reinforced until it's cemented into place. It makes accomplishing those tasks even harder.

 I am never going to enjoy cleaning poop out of a pair—or four—of underwear and washing yet another load of laundry. But when I think, I’m doing this because I love my child and I want them to have clean clothes rather than—I can’t believe I have to do another load this makes my life so much harder--there is a difference in how those mundane and irritating chores feel.  This can be done with any care tasks, even self-care tasks. You could think, I’m cleaning the dishes now, so I don’t have to do them in the morning or so we have clean plates to use. I’m wiping the counters down because I like it when they are clean. These tasks don’t need to be enjoyable, but if we can remember the why and one positive outcome to accomplishing it, it helps make them slightly less miserable. 

Contemplating this mindset change, I began to apply it more broadly to motherhood as a whole. These years of raising babies, toddlers, and young children demand so much that at times we lose the point of it, and ourselves in the process. It’s incredibly draining to listen to kids scream and fight. Picking up the same set of toys seven times in a single day can make you wish for more humane forms of torture. It’s easy to focus on how difficult motherhood is. And it is difficult. But motherhood is powerful. World betteringly so. 

When you take a moment to think about how influential mothers are and mothering in general, it's mind-boggling. This power needn’t only apply to those with children. We live in communities of people and when you approach others with the compassion of a mother, its effect reaches far.

When you teach and connect with consideration and love people feel that. The power of kindness and attention knows no bounds. Think about how you felt after someone considered you or helped you accomplish something you struggled with, when you were, in effect, mothered. How did it affect your mood? Think about a time when you were hurting and you could turn to someone who loved you unconditionally and would listen to you without judgment. Think about a time when someone carved a space for you to feel and be in that moment whatever you needed to feel or be. Or perhaps imagine how it would be if someone could do that for you. How would your life be different? Imagine if you could be that, hold space for someone, cherish them, and support them into becoming who they are. 

There is real power in that. 

Amid the screaming chaos, if I say to myself, I will remain calm and present so that my child can work through their emotions—so that they can learn to process them in a healing and positive manner, I have an easier time handling the angry tantrum than if I focus on how much I hate the screaming and yelling. This attitude doesn’t make everything suddenly easy and I am very much a work in progress at having this attitude. Excessive noise makes me anxious so calming myself is a challenge. 

This approach doesn't remove the difficulties of parenthood. Still, our intent matters and the narrative we tell ourselves affects us on a cellular level. When we can focus on why remaining calm matters it can help us do so. Rewiring these pathways is not simple or easy, but I believe well worth the effort. 

Everyone can do this work, whether we are mothers or not, female or not. This capacity is in us all and we can each make the world a more beautiful place by spreading kindness and compassion.

Right now, I may not have a four-hour time block to dedicate to my writing, but I have the opportunity to support and love my children as they grow. I can show them that I care about them and love them with my actions and how I engage with them. I can teach them that I value myself and my work by making my writing a priority. Though not everything is in my control, I can control my attitude. And that can make all the difference.  

A Draft in Two Parts

November 2023 was the first time I participated in NaNoWriMo during the month of November. I’ve writted 50,000 words in a month before, but not as part of the whole global community of writers participating in it. It was an inspiring experience. Being a part of a such a large community of writers motivated me despite the fact that I only managed to make it to one of the local “write-in” the entire month, and didn’t participate in any online sprints. However, I did watch many of the YouTube videos other writers put up where they encouraged and supported others on their nanowrimo journey.

 During that month, despite having three birthdays and hosting thanksgiving, I wrote 52,000 words. It taught me that I could write on a consistent basis without burning out. 

I hoped to finish the draft in December, but it didn’t work out with the holidays and travel, sickness, and another birthday. Plus I decided to take some professional development courses. I wrote 8,000 words in December. 

January I started to work on a few projects including writing, this blog, writing and researching queries, and I joined a writing group, which has been extremely supportive of my writing and growth. I managed to get in 11,000 words in that manuscript. I was hoping to get the manuscript done by Feb 3, but I’m a few weeks late. 

It’s sitting at about 82,000 words now. It feels amazing to have completed it. Though it’s still got plenty of work to do, finishing a draft is a big deal. It took me a bit longer than I originally hoped after starting so strongly in November. 

Comparing the writing I did in November with how I did in the other months helps me determine what sort of schedule of novels I may be able to release going forward. 

During January and February, my goal was about 4,000 words a week where as in November I was 10,000 at least week. In november, I didn’t work on any other projects. In Jan and Feb, writing was just one of the projects I was working on. It took me three months to finish 30,000 words and only one to write 52,000. 

Some other differences included the motivation of the competition with myself. “Winning” nanowrimo was a goal I wanted to reach. It helped me keep on track when I might have been distracted otherwise. I prioritized it. I minimized house projects and didn’t try to blog or work on a website or any other projects related to an author business. I also didn’t have any major illnesses or snags. Though I didn’t perfectly match my plans of what days I would write how much, I came pretty close. 

In Dec, Jan, Feb I didn’t have the drive to “win” anything. I had other things going on that had taken on a back seat and now where a priority. It wasn’t pellnell to the finish line. My kids were on school break for a good chunk and we had more hiccups in the health department. I also added in research and writing queries and the writing group and this blog. This are things that will help me on my writing journey, but the did detract from the writing itself. I did not work as quickly on the story and took more mental health days. I also think part of the issues was I had written pretty much up through my outline by the end of November. I had the ending in mind, but a short bridge between that and the ending I hadn’t yet outlined or figured out. So I had to take some time to consider how it would work together. 

I’m glad I experienced working on multiple projects at the same time. It was realistic for what my working life will include in the future. It might be nice to see if I could work on a draft and finish it in six-eight weeks. And then work on other things in between. 

I started reading Deep Work by Cal Newport. I haven’t even finished the first chapter yet, but already I can see how I set myself up for success in November. The prep work I did, though minimal really, along with minimizing distractions and focusing on one project, I reached my goals and hit my targets, producing a consistent and high word count. 

Writing or any creative career is challenging because there is no one path forward to success. It’s not as simple as getting into a good college and then working hard to get into a professional degree of some sort. There are no set steps of schooling or academic benchmarks that need to be met in order to succeed as a writer. It’s hard to know what aspects are vital and what are merely nice. As I navigate this path forward, I know the writing is a priority. Nothing else I do will work if I don’t write a book worth reading. But that isn’t the only important thing. If I write a great book, but never send it out into the world, then it is just as lost to the world as if I never wrote it. Balancing the writing with the other aspects of this business is a learning process I’m just starting out in.  

I don’t know the path ahead. The journey is shrouded in mist, but each step brings in a little bit more light and and little bit more confidence. I am determined to keep going. If the road shifts and turns, I will shift and turn along with it.  For now, I’m going the traditional publishing route, but I have not ruled out self-publishing either. I don’t know what of these tasks will bring me the most impact. I will stick with writing because I enjoy it, because my words matter, because somewhere out there someone may gain something from reading them.

Gratitude

I just finished reading Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert. And this post isn’t a book review, per se, it simply got me thinking about more than just the book, which is a major endorsement if you think about it.  Big Magic was comprehensible and lyrical, down-to-earth, yet other-worldly. It moved my soul and ignited a passion and love for the written word. Its was powerful and yet simple and mundane. It encourages exploring a creative outlet for no reason than because we are meant to be creating. It inspires people to do what they may have been too scared to do or too conditioned that it didn’t matter. She did all of that with her words.

I started thinking about language and what an incredible construct it is. I don’t know if we ever take the time to thing about the wonder of it, of being able to communicate though speech and written word. To be able to learn other languages and other forms of communication. 

My youngest is nineteenth moths old and watching him learn to speak and communicate is fascinating. He points vigorously at things, and we get to play the guessing game of which item on the table he’s pointing at. He calls me mama and his dad “Daaaaa”! He uses sign language for eat, water, and more. He says ‘danks’ when we give him something.  His emerging repertoire for language grows exponentially; each day new words, sounds, and signs pop up. Although there are still miscommunications and we’re still guessing sometimes,  it’s wonderful to understand better what he needs.  He’s exploring and connecting with his world in an entire new way.  Language is such a part of our daily lives that we don’t even think about it until we need to talk or communicate with someone who doesn’t speak our language. How wonderfully beautiful language is and yet we so often forget the miracle it is.

I am filled with amazement for this ability and though mastery of the English language feels halting at times, I am grateful for my own grasp of it and my ability to speak loving words to my children and family. It’s a gift to share my experiences through language and lighten someone’s day with my words. I’m grateful this miracle that I usually don’t give two thoughts about most days. 

I began wondering about other things that we take for granted. The air we breathe, the water running through our homes, the electricity that brightens our homes. Vehicles that take us miles in simple minutes. Modern appliances like washing machines, microwaves, and dishwashers that make household tasks more convenient. Sometimes we lose sight of that. We live in a time of miracles that surround us every day. Relishing in the wonder all around us for a few minutes can lighten our loads and remind us that we are blessed. 

Yes, we have hardships and modern technologies can be as trying as they are helpful, but do we ever stop to think about how wonderful it is to live in the year 2024? I can call my mom who lives four hundred miles away. We can video chat with family and friends. My kids can see their cousins that live on the other side of the country. It’s a marvel. And if we take a moment to delight in the wonder and amazement of it rather than the annoyance that the battery’s already at fifty percent it will improve our mood and our day significantly. We all have problems and will continue to have problems and some of those problems are modern inventions, but we all have tiny miracles surrounding us each day.

I’m grateful to be alive today. I’m grateful to have been born and into a family that cared and loved me. My life is far from perfect and I’ve wallowed in self pity and bathed in my woes often enough. But sometimes all it takes is a child pointing out in wonder the flower in the crack of the sidewalk, or mooing to the cows on the side of the road. If we look to the things children enjoy as a guide and relish the little things they notice. Take a moment to smell the earth after a rain. Get out of your head and into our body may help you appreciate the world around you more. 

My body isn’t perfect. I have an autoimmune disease that causes some challenges and pain. But I still get to go to the gym and lift weights to strengthen my muscles,  bones, and joints. I can still walk and smile and laugh and cry. I am so grateful for my body, for sheltering, nourishing, and carrying my for four children. They would not be here without my body. It allows me to experience the world around me and deserves all my love and appreciation. 

I don’t always follow this advice. I feel down and anxious about things both little and big. I feel overwhelmed with all the things I should be doing and shrink away from my growing to do list. I get upset when I don’t accomplish what I set out to do and feel frustrated with my ineptitude. I find though, if we allow it, gratitude can be a great way to grow beyond the anxiety and melancholy. Being grateful for simple and specific things: a breath, a bed, our hands, a cup of tea, the shade of a tree, any thing that brings a smile or a moment of peace can shift our day. It’s not always immediate or a dramatic shift, but just like a photographer can choose where to point his lense and alter the story, we, too, have the power to shift our viewpoint and focus on something that brings hope and light rather than doom and gloom. Whether its marveling at the wonder of language or appreciating the taste of a strawberry, looking for the things that bring joy. 

I’m grateful for uplifting books like Big Magic that remind me of these things. I’m grateful for writing and the creative outlet it allows me. The commitment to this practice encourages me to grow while exploring my thoughts and feelings in a constructive way. I hope we can all find a way to express our innate sense of creativity and take a few minutes to explore what brings us joy and express gratitude of those things. 

The New Year

My oldest was born on New Years Eve. He likes to tell people that everyone around the world celebrate’s his birthday. I’ve never been particularly fond of staying up until midnight to ring in the new year, but I do love the magic of New Year. The energy of renewal and reflection of setting goals and envisioning your dream life. It’s a chance to design the life you want and make your hopes for the future a reality. New Year is a magnificent time for a reset. We had a big snow storm on the same night as the new moon. There’s something magical about seeing the world covered in white. It’s a moment of renewal when anything is possible. We can have moments like these whenever we choose. Each month, each week, each new moon or sunrise, or any moment that comes our way and jolts us out of our daily grind and we can reflect and redirect.

Making mistakes is human. We try things that don’t work. We say things we don’t mean. We hurt people we didn’t intend to. We have the chance to repair those things, to apologize, to try something in a new, different way. The new year is the perfect time to look back and see how far we’ve come. Take a minute to look through your photos of the year. Where did you go? What did you do? Is there anything you want to do more of? Anything you want to do less of? This is a wonderful time to remember the beautiful moments we experienced. 

Take a few moment to reflect on your past year and be grateful for all you accomplished, all you learned. You had challenges. You had triumphs. All of it is worth learning and growing from. We get to start each year, each month, each week, and each day fresh. We can start each hour with a fresh attitude. If something goes wrong, we can learn to let it go and move forward. If something goes right, we can appreciate and be grateful and move forward. This past year, we moved into our first house. My youngest turned one and we spent that day with my brother who shares his birthday along with the rest of my family. I watched my oldest play in a tennis tournament and my daughter participate in her gymnastics recital. My four-year-old started a soccer season and I cheered him on as ran around and messed with his shirt on the field. We took trips to Bear Lake, ID and Disneyland. My husband and I visited Boston without the kids and visited our old stomping grounds. 

 I read books. I didn’t keep track of how many but maybe that’s something I’ll do in the future. I started writing a new book. I went to the gym on average three to four times a week for an entire year! I built a website and started an admittedly patchy blog. I won Nanowrimo and worked toward my goals as a writer. I can look at what I did well and what I want to improve. I want to build consistency and grow my social media presence. Nanowrimo taught be I could commit to a daily word count and stick to it. I took a course on organizing my time from Sarra Cannon that I’m implementing for the first time this quarter I’m looking forward to seeing how much it can improve my career as an author.

 In line with that I’ve set goals, not for the entire year, but for one quarter of it. Every three months, I will take the opportunity to evaluate my progress and set new goals are on track for me to become a published author. These smaller goals for a smaller period of time will guide toward my vision for my life. It will help keep me on track as I have more opportunities for renewal and reflection.

I look forward to tracking my time and seeing how long tasks actually take me so that I can better set goals for the time that I have. I only give ‘part-time’ hours for my writing career with my family’s schedule currently and so I want to make the most of my time while avoiding burnout. Getting really realistic about how much time you have to give to any given goal or task and having a good idea of how long it will take is a vital aspect to achieving it. I want to look at my time more abundantly. Thus I will set tasks I can complete in the time I expect. This will be a trial and error process so I set very conservative goals, not quite sure how long each will take. I’ve got myself a pomodoro timer app on my phone and I can keep better track of how long it takes me to write 1,000 words or how many great British bake off’s does it take for me to finish folding the laundry. The more data I collect like this the more I can get realistic with the time and tasks I can finish. 

Try it out yourself. Set a timer or a stop watch and see how long it takes you to unload the dishwasher or get ready for school or whatever tasks you have throughout the day. How long does it take to get four kids loaded in the car? Longer than you think and then even longer than that! I tracked my time with Laura Vanderkam’s guide and she has some great resources I highly recommend checking out her website. 

The snow outside may start to melt and become patchy. Dirt and rocks blacken the snow and it’s not quite so beautiful anymore. It’s cold and wet and the kids track it all over the house and you have to chase them down with a towel to protect your floors. Reality will set in. January melts into February and the year marches one and one. And your dream life may seem like an impossibility, but just remember that another snow is coming. A new day dawns every twenty four hours and we can begin again however frequently we need to. We get to set the tone for our year and each day that’s in it. Some days are simply about surviving, and some days thriving. Some days you give and some days you take. Some days you need rest and some you take action. Each piece join together to create a well-balanced life. Don’t let the grime and the rust of every day life get in the way of the magic and miracles all around us. Look for beauty in the world around you and take a deep breath. Anything is possible. If you can dream it, you can make it true. Happy New Year!

Where did my motivation go?

Where does motivation come from? How to we retain it? How do we keep commitments we make in our inspired moments? I don’t have the answer. Today I don’t feel like doing anything. I feel spent and uncreative. I made a commitment a week ago to write 1,000 words five days a week. 

One day last week, I barely squeaked by, writing three or four hundred original words in a story. It was after 9 pm and I was creatively burnt out. I switched gears and copied and pasted an outline of sorts for my series. I made it a while ago in the car using the speech-to-text feature on my phone. If you never used speech-to-text, I highly recommend it—but be prepared for some interesting interpretations especially of character names. I recommend correcting any errors immediately, instead of several months later. I edited and added to this rambling outline. By the end, it was well over 1,000 words. That was good enough. And it was helpful to have that series big picture legible. 

Today, however, I don’t feel like doing anything. I spent a good forty-five minutes sitting on my couch scrolling through reels and social media posts. Not in the beneficial for my platform sort of way either. More in the I don’t want to move sort of way. Somedays I wake up and don’t have the energy for any of it. How do we combat this?

When we take care of our bodies, we have the mental energy to handle our creative endeavors and personal commitments. I could do an entire post on each of these topics (I may well do so in the future.) In essence, keeping ourselves healthy in mind and body, helps us have the capacity to accomplish our dreams. Health means different things to different people, but these are generally(ha!) in our control.

1. First is sleep. I went to bed at a resonable-ish hour last night, but I had to nurse the baby at midnight and then again at 5:30 this morning. Not terrible, but it took me a while to fall back asleep. My watch tells me I got 7 hours 16 minutes of sleep last night with a total of 8 h 30 minutes in bed. That’s a reasonable amount of sleep, but I don’t feel rested or energized. It’s likely due to poor sleep from previous nights’ catching up. Maintaining a consistent bedtime is key to sustaining appropriate levels of energy.

2. Eating food that energizes and uplifts us boosts our ability to pursue our desires. I am not going to demonize any foods here.  Any food can fit into a well-balanced diet. It’s important, however, to pay attention to what is in our food and how it makes us feel. Every body is different. Some foods are fine for some people but make others feel bloated and tired. Be mindful. Making healthy choices that are best for mind and body 80% of the time is a generally good rule to follow. 

3. Take time for rest. This is different from sleep. Rest renews and replenishes us. Go on a walk, lay out on the grass, meditate, read, play music—anything that recharges your mental batteries helps us keep the commitments we make. 

Yesterday, I had a busy day of meetings, running errands, cleaning the house, cooking and cleaning up dinner, all with a one-year-old who refused to nap. By the time I put the kids to bed, I was fried crispy. I took a short walk, but, at the hottest part of the day, it was not the usual restful pursuit for me. Today, I needed time to do nothing, to rest my body and mind—scrolling through social media was not the best method for that, but that’s what I did. Meditating or reading would have been more beneficial and effective for recharging. I’ve fallen out of my meditating practice and would like to reestablish it. It provides the rejuvenation I need to accomplish my goals.

4. Another piece to this puzzle involves curating inspiration and edifying content. What we put into our brains matters as much as the food we put in our bodies. Some things creatively sap us more than others.  Some books, podcasts, and movies inspire us to add to the creative narrative. Others may not. It doesn’t mean there is no place for ‘mindless’ entertainment. Instead, be aware of how some content affects you, and be mindful how much you consume. I love fiction. It’s not at all a ‘bad’ thing to consume. But if I start reading a novel before I do my own creative work, I have a hard time switching gears. I only want to read because it’s easier for me to read than to write. Lately, I’ve told myself I can read a novel as soon as I write my 1,000 words or edited or whatever other tasks I have planned. 

Curate your environment

Make it inspire you.

5. Curate your environment. Do you work better at a desk? On the couch? Or at a coffee shop? Figure out what works for you. Minimize interruptions. Keyword: minimize. With kids, interruptions are the name of the game. Some things are within our control. Is the tv on? Is your phone out? Turn down the volume and use your phone’s features to silence notification. Is anything in our environment causing problems for us? How can we remove or mitigate the problem?

6. Establish a plan. Schedule it. Think about when and how you are going to keep these commitments to ourselves. What time works best for us to write or exercise or knit or bake? What are some potential roadblocks? How do we handle those? Make a backup plan for it that original plan doesn’t work. I’ll write during the kids naps, but if it’s too short—I can take them to a play-place to work. 

Taking care of ourselves is essential, but sometimes we do the best we can and still can’t find motivation. Sometimes things outside our control mean we lose sleep or a chronic illness flairs. Give yourself grace. It’s okay. It takes time to improve our health. We can still feel crappy even if we’re doing everything ‘right.’ You may need a day to recharge. Let things go and pick them back up the next day.

You can still work towards your goals with these tactics: 

1.  Ensure your commitments are reasonable. Don’t set a goal to wake up at 5am and exercise if that has never been a part of your life. Right now, 1,000 words a day is a lot. It was hard to get that in some days.

2. Give yourself permission to do half (or an imperfect job at whatever it is). Anything is better than nothing. Take a five-minute walk around the house if your mile-long walk is not possible. Yesterday, I told myself I could do 500 words and that would be alright. Today, I said I would just open a document and start writing this. It didn’t matter how many words I got.  Getting started is enough. Sometimes getting over the start hump allows me to get to the goal I set for myself. 

3. Make adjustments. You don’t have to do something every day if three or four days works better for you. Smaller steps can keep you heading in the right direction. 

4. If you’re up for it, try reading, listening, or watching something related to your goal. Sometimes hearing about other people working toward similar goals that have ‘succeeded’ helps motivate me to continue toward my goals.

After a week, I’ll keep my 1,000-word goal as is. I’ve written so much more than I typically would in a week. I’m open to adjusting it as life evolves. I’m not sure if it will stay the same when I have a big edit to do, but for now it’s pushing me in the right direction. 

Motivation is built by our actions. It’s our responsibility. If we miss the target, let it go and set up the next shot. Move the target closer if necessary. Make your adjustments and keep shooting. Even if you never hit the target, you’ll have developed the muscles and skills that will help you reach your next target.

Tiny steps to big dreams

I have been trying to write this post on goals for months now. It’s a large topic with so much incredible information. It’s just too big. Instead, I’ll go into my goals and how they help me.

Right now, one of my goals is to publish my book(s). This goal is helpful in that it gives me a sense of direction and purpose, but it is an overarching big picture goal that has so many steps and nuances that it makes it feel impossible. Plus, these days you can publish fairly easily, but having your book sell well is a challenge and my ultimate goal. For me, this is more of a dream—as in I hope to achieve it, but it’s so misty and far out that I can’t figure out how to accomplish it.

This is where smaller goals are helpful. And goals that are less outcome driving and more practice based driven. Think about the different between these statements. I want to learn to play the guitar and I will practice guitar thirty minutes daily. Which mindset is more likely to accomplish the goal of learning to play the guitar.

Starting today, I’ve set the goal to write 1,000 words a day, five or six days a week. This could be in a manuscript I’m working on, writing query letters, or working articles for this blog. I’m starting with 1,000 because I believe it will stretch me, but I believe I can do it. It will prioritize writing in my life while also providing a bit of wiggle room for weekends and such. If I find that 1000 words daily is too much, I might scale it back to 750. I’d like to push myself while remaining realistic. I have four kids to get to their various activities and my youngest is with me all day, every day. You don’t get to clock out of motherhood. Things come up that require a certain amount of grace for myself and my family situation.

I may also borrow a tactic from Andrea Isabella Lucas book Own it All. She talks about doing the bare minimum. What is the bare minimum I need to do to feel I’m progressing? In this instance, my goal is to write 1000 words a day, but if I manage 500 that’s the bare minimum. This may take some trial and error to see what’s reasonable and what I can do to push myself a bit further.

Creating the goal, making it attainable, these are important pieces to the process, but following through with that plan is how actual progress gets made. Making yourself do what you have set out to do is not easy, but it builds a sense of accomplishment. Small, measurable and attainable steps are so vital because they allow us to experience the little dopamine rush of achieving what we set out to do. Anyone else write something you’ve already finished down on your to do list just for the pleasure of crossing it off? Totally worth it. These small, practice-based steps help us get we want to go. These steps are what ultimately improve our craft, or our health, or whatever habit or goal we are looking to achieve.

My book is not published. This could discourage me, but I’m working on the little pieces that together lead me to my final goal. Seeing the progress bar move, helps maintain momentum for the big dream. Goals keep us from meandering aimlessly in the sea of life. Making realistic goals is essential helps maintain momentum. Persistence is important as most dreams require more than a single setting to achieve. Getting healthier, learning to crochet, or play an instrument all require time and effort. Decluttering your house takes repeated, consistent work. Writing a book demands time, focus, and energy. We need time to fail, to be bad at it. Time to get better and time to excel. Setting small steps that feel like big accomplishments can be the difference between trying something out once, and truly getting there.

Set these steps up with the intent to let yourself win, but if you don’t ‘win,’ if you miss, offer yourself a moment of love and recognition. I didn’t meet my goal, I missed my bare minimum today, but I will try again tomorrow. Focus on the positive. Focus on how far you’ve come. Let the failures and the missteps teach you something. Maybe make the step smaller or change your schedule around. Setting goals is a slippery slope to achieving your dreams. You may slide off in a direction you weren’t expecting, but it will get you to a better place. It doesn’t have to be all uphill. One or two positive changes accelerates improvements in other areas.

You are worth the time and effort it takes to get to where you want to go. Let the journey be part of the fun. What is the tiniest step you can take in the right direction? Take it and then take the next step. Step by step, you’ll get there.

Learning Beyond School

My beliefs about education inspired me to pursue a career as a librarian and as a writer. I believe education should be available for all and education can happen at any time at any age and by methods both traditional and unconventional.

As it’s the start of a new school year, I’ve been considering education and the learning process and what it means to me. My family has emphasized the importance of education for as long as we have memories. One of my ancestors, who’d only had about six weeks of formal education (and learned everything else from his mother) made sure to instill an importance of education in his descendants that thrives to this day.

How do we learn? Do we ever stop learning? My hope is no. We don’t stop. I believe in gaining a formal education. My children attend public school. I graduated from high school and went onto gain a bachelor’s degree followed by a master’s degree. We are so blessed to have access to these resources. Formal schooling can provide a curriculum and a structure, as well as an environment of learning together with teachers to help students along the way. You show up, do the work, and you’ll learn some things. That doesn’t mean formal schooling is without fault or is the end all be all educational resources.

 There are so many resources beyond school to learn, grow, and advance our own education.  On and on, the availability of both professional and personal development should not hinder the ability to do it. Education and growth should be a lifelong commitment. No, don’t groan. It’s not the same when you don’t have tests or homework to turn it. It’s an adventure of your own choosing. Trying new things, watching and learning. Our development is never done. And this is amazing! Our brains aren’t frozen bubbles that get stuck one way and will burst if anything disrupts them. We have the capacity to change, to grow, to learn and engage in new activities, new dreams at any age. This is encouraging, not depressing.

So how do we learn beyond school? Homeschoolers tap into this a bit more in the early years, but anyone can slip into that spirit of learning by taking advantage of free courses, books, webinars, podcasts, videos, museums, libraries, and free universities offerings. Countless resources are available. My favorite method is through books. This doesn’t have to cost any money if you have access to a library. I’ve discovered new parenting philosophies, cooking techniques, health regimes, writing skills, habit creation, meditation tools, mindful lifestyles and more through books. I enjoy podcasts and free webinars. YouTube is one of the greatest educators of our generation. You can learn anything from how to change a tire to the intricacies of the human immune system with the sacrifice of sitting through a few adds. Additionally, universities often offer some free courses or content as well. There are of course paid programs like Skillshare and masterclass that provide access to classes on a variety of skills. I’ve never taken a course through these programs, but I’ve considered it and may do so in the future.

Now that we’ve established the plethora of educational resources available, it’s important to remember it’s okay to not be a master immediately. Proficiency requires time and practice. I’ve read many, many, many books on parenting. Does that make me a perfect parent? No. Does that mean I screw up, employing the same old ineffective tactics when I know there’s a better way? Absolutely. But I am getting better. Slowly. I’m learning to fail without shame or self-blame. I’m learning growth takes time and we all deserve grace. I’m learning our effort has intrinsic value—the ‘doing’ is more important than the outcome. If I worried too much about being perfect, I wouldn’t keep trying. I would give up, and that is the biggest failure of all.

I’m learning to accept that these blog posts aren’t perfect, and they still have value. If I never post them, reworking them to death in the name of perfection, or procrastinating in the name of fear, it limits their potential for good. Something special ignites our hearts when we share our passions, our talents, our experiences, whether successes or failures. Light and hope blossom into a garden of unrestricted wisdom when we tell our stories with the intent to lift others instead of aggrandize ourselves.

Beauty and goodness thrive out there in the world if we open ourselves up to it. We can be generous with ourselves and with others as we all learn and grow.  It’s hard to admit our short comings, to acknowledge our ignorance or incompetence, especially with something we ‘should be able to do’. Nobody likes to feel stupid. We crave connection and fear ridicule or rejection. We worry we will look silly if we do something wrong.

 I’m afraid to speak in Spanish because my capacity with the language is inadequate. In refusing to try, I may be missing an opportunity to connect to someone albeit with my extremely limited skills. I can find grace for others when they speak my native English imperfectly. Why not myself? I love when people sing off key. Doing something badly is brave. Trying something new is brave. We can all be brave.

Learning can be hard, but it’s worth it. Whether in school or out, whether you’re eight, eighteen or eighty, I hope you never stop learning. Don’t let excuses get in the way of trying something you’ve always wanted to do. Enjoy looking silly. Be ridiculously bad! Let yourself fail. And then try again. In the immortal words of Aaliyah, “Pick yourself up and try again, try again.”

What do you want to be when you grow up?

We ask kids what they want to be when they grow up? We ask successful adults when they knew they wanted to be … whatever job or position they currently succeed in. Did you always want to be a nurse? Why did you want to become a doctor? When did you know you wanted to be an astrophysicist?

It would be awesome if we could separate who we are from what we do for a living. What if when we asked kids what they wanted to be they answered: I want to be kind, courageous, and creative? Wouldn’t that be magical? But that’s a discussion for another time.

If someone asked me when I knew I wanted to be a writer, I’m not sure what my answer would be.

 In Kindergarten, I clearly remember not wanting to be a doctor. It’s a coincidence that my father happens to be one. In fifth grade, I wanted to be a singer/model. A few friends and I sang the national anthem at a hockey game on a red carpet that year. I was clearly destined for stardom.

In seventh grade we had to write a story. I wrote a brilliant Sailor Moon spin off, but I’ve since lost any record of, so I can’t be sure. At this point in my life, I was reading, we’ll call it, a lot. Those books and stories revolved in my head. I added characters and story lines as I bounced in gentle circles around our trampoline. In the warm desert evening, I listened to cicadas create their buzzing music and played stories through my head, bouncing round and round. The offshoots were endless, the ideas propagating constantly.

In high school, I began to consider my path for the future I wanted, but my vision was hazy. I liked teaching but didn’t want to spend all my time grading. I was drawn toward English, but I didn’t think I could stomach reading a mountain of crappy essays. I didn’t know what I wanted so I didn’t know how to get there.

In college, I majored in English because I liked it. I had a small notion that I wanted to be a writer. I took a creative writing class. I got a B, so that meant I was terrible. Naturally, I gave up. I was rubbish at it so why try? My fixed mindset did not allow for failure. My fear of deficiency kept me from getting better. I am still working on shifting that attitude. I recognize that making mistakes is not the end of the world and they help me ultimately grow, but I still don’t like it. It’s probably not meant to be something we like.

Some piece of me still wanted to write since I took another creative writing class my last semester of college. I had another mediocre experience. And I stopped again. I believed if I wasn’t immediately good at something, I never would be. It was not worth trying. I think Yoda did me a disservice here. Trying and failing and trying again is how we ‘do’.

So, I couldn’t be a writer and didn’t want to be a teacher—what then?

 I graduated college, got married to my high school sweet heart (yes, very cute, I know), and moved across the country all within about six months. After college, I needed a job. This was 2008-2009 and jobs were difficult to come by. I assumed I could substitute teach, but the state we were living in didn’t allow you to substitute with just a BA, which was what I could have done in my home state.

We moved again and I ended up working as an after-school teacher. I enjoyed this quite a bit since it involved teaching without—you know—the grading. At this point, I was trying to decide if I wanted to get a master’s degree and in what subject. I considered English, but it didn’t feel right.

I can’t remember when or what spurred the thought to get a Master’s degree in Library Science. I took a medieval manuscript class in French that I absolutely loved. I thought it would be pretty cool to work with old books. If I couldn’t be a writer, I’d be a librarian. I got my degree in just over a year and had my first baby two weeks after graduating.

I love being a librarian. I share stories and teach—but in an individualized and nuanced way.  Something special lights up people’s eyes when then find that book or article that is perfect for their research project. I love being a part of that process. Matching a reader to a book and is a high I never come down from. I still love it and will happily recommend books to anyone that asks (and even if they don’t).

Like I mentioned before, stories run amok through my mind all the time. I build them in my head but never wrote any down. Writing is a lot of work and like we discussed earlier, I was not good at it. I never felt truly compelled to put them to paper. Some piece of me did want to write, but I didn’t believe I could.

When I finally put fingers to keyboard and snapped a story onto the screen, a conglomeration of events propelled that innate yearning to plow through the fear blocking me. The events were as follows. The story taking shape in my mind was totally my own and circulated over and over, building into a compelling epic. My husband worked long hours. I had quite a bit of time during the day (you know besides the time I was raising two kids) before I worked as an evening shift Librarian. I was listening to Amy Poehler’s book Yes, please! She complains about how hard it is to write a book, but she says it is “the doing of the thing” that matters. I was also reading (I read multiple books at a time) a crappy book at the same time. I remember having the thought “I could do this.”

And then my sister showed me the viral clip of Shia LaBeouf forcefully yelling at the camera to “Do it! Just do it!” As ridiculous as it might be, it pushed me over the edge. I thought: I’m going to do this.

I had to write. The story in my head needed to be told. Shia Labouef yelled at me to just do it. Amy Poehler told me I could do it. A book I can’t even remember the title of showed me I could do it.

When did I decide I wanted to become a writer? I always loved stories. Maybe everyone does. Hearing my parents, grandparents, and aunts and uncles tell stories about my younger self, my siblings, and my parents when they were young. My grandparents told stories of distant ancestors handed down along with a random welsh word and the odd turn-of-phrase. I’m not sure when I knew I wanted to be a writer, but that was the moment I decided I could maybe…try.

As for why I wanted to be a writer? For as long as I’ve had memories, stories meandered in my head, growing and rooting around so much they were running out of room. They started settling in my gut and into my bones. They flowed into my bloodstream and filtered through the air I breathed. I had to give them voice or I’d bury myself in them. I hope to soon share them with the world and let them bloom.  

The librarian writer

I am a writer. I am librarian. I like books.

Honestly, I like books a tad too much. During college, I did a summer abroad in Paris. I added French as a major pretty much so I could justify this study abroad. This awesome outdoor used-book sale popped up on the streets of Paris at one point. I was in heaven. I found all these beautiful, well-aged, and well-loved books. I pictured my grown-up library filled with all these magically adorable books of complementary colors and sizes in English and French and whatever other languages I learned. The most visually pleasing and intellectually stimulating conglomeration of books imaginable would sit on the shelves of my library and announce that I was sophisticated. Une amoureuese de livres (sixteen years later this library has yet to materialize—I keep collecting books for it anyway.) I had this armful of charming books, more than I needed or could reasonably carry and approached the cash register. I set my books carefully down. 

I said something totally inspiring like “J’aime bien les livres.”

And the cashier responded, “c’est une bonne maladie.”

It’s a good sickness. 

This little phrase stuck with me all these years later. I love books, reading them, recommending them, discussing them, and writing them. Sharing books is in my soul

I love to learn and books make things discoverable that may not otherwise be feasible. We explore the unexplored, benefiting from other people’s experience and imaginations. 

Too much of a good thing

When I started taking serious forays into writing, I was reading 5-10 books a week. Books of varying lengths and genres. I would find an author I liked and read everything I could get my hands on—which was whatever I could find through my local libraries. I was listening to audiobooks all day long. Brandon Sanderson, Georgette Heyer, Sarah J Maas, and bajillion or two more. Patrick Rothfuss, I am still waiting!!!

You may not have noticed this, but there are only twenty-four hours in a day. I was listening ten+ hour books in one day. That’s kinda a lot. I was still doing all the things that to get done: laundry, making meals, taking my kids to the park, etc, but I was only half-present.

My husband, as an internal medicine resident, worked twelve-fourteen hour days, twelve days in a row, with a two day break in between another twelve days. I had no family in the area and no friends. I was isolated with two young kids. It was like managing an understaffed retail store without any support from corporate or adequate supplies. I got some relief when I left for my job as the evening shift librarian at the local community college, but it also cut into the few hours I saw my husband, my best friend. Books were my lifeline, my flotation device. They kept me afloat but didn’t help me out of the water. They were my crutch to get through a difficult period of my life.

I can see now how disengaged I had become. I forgot how to live in the moment. I was with my kids all the time but wasn’t all that present. I was not neglectful. I still got my kids food. I still read to them. We still had random dance parties and played pretend ninja battles. I enjoyed being with them and love my kids. But parenting is hard. I used escapism to combat the gnawing loneliness and isolation.

I had to let go of the crutch before I could walk on my own. I had to drop my lifeline and swim to shore on my own, but this took time. I could have made my situation better in a lot of ways. I had options for friends, I simply wasn’t the best at initiating contact. I wanted friendships to simply fall into my lap without any effort on my part.

I wasn’t miserable. There’s a lot I look back at with fondness during my time there, but I can also see that my all-consuming reading habit was not conducive to creating healthy relationships. I wrote my first book with this same frenetic, obsessive intensity. I am grateful for that story, for the drive I had to complete it. I am also grateful for developing a healthier work/life balance in the years since then.

I love books. I still read an absurd amount, but in a healthier way. I ‘unplug’ from reading or listening to truly engage with my family. I listen to audiobooks or podcasts while folding laundry, loading the dishwasher, or other boring tasks that come my way. But I let myself be fully present too. Life is about balance. I find when I’m working on a new book, it helps if I read non-fiction: history, writing, productivity, parenting, other self-help books maintain my attention while teaching me new things, but don’t ‘hook’ me to the same extent as fiction.

And the awesome thing about living a more present life?

It made me a better writer.

Ella Enchanted Saved me

I did not always love books

It may be surprising to learn that I did not enjoy books as an early reader. Reading was hard. I don’t mean any disrespect but early reader books are boring, at least the ones I was reading. I remember in kindergarten that feeling of accomplishment as I deciphered “Bob sat.” It was a rite of passage, a mountain I’d surpassed, an exclusive club I’d joined. Bob sat. Bob ran. Bob had a dog. Once I could decipher those scribbles into actual words I realized I didn’t give a crap about Bob. As books got longer, they became harder and I still didn’t care about them. I avoided reading in elementary school. I could do it, but I never did it for fun. 

In sixth grade this changed. We were assigned to read Ella Enchanted by Gail Carson Levine. This book changed my life. I was interested enough in the character and her journey that I fought the words to get to the story. I empathized with Ella. I cared. I wanted her to get everything she deserved. I wanted her to be happy.

This opened a hidden worlds of books. A place of magic and mystery, love and adventure, a place of wonder. I became voracious. I read as much as I could. Anne of Green Gables, Little Women, Anne Frank, Harry Potter. I devoured fantasy, historical fiction, science fiction, contemporary fiction, anything and everything. 

A Surprising Discover

In college, I discovered why those early years of reading were so difficult. I remembered reading aloud in my French class when the professor stopped and corrected me. I read the word over again. She corrected me again. I did it again. She corrected me again. I could not understand what the matter was. I was reading the word exactly as it was written. She repeated it once more. I mimicked her sound instead of what I read. Then the letters rearranged themselves and I realized I’d been seeing the word wrong. The professor, naturally, had been correct. In a foreign language, I couldn’t rely on my knowledge of English and the brain’s ability to make out words even with disordered letters. In French, I read it as I saw the letters. And I saw it mixed up. 

I have not been officially diagnosed for anything or pursued a diagnosis. I believe if I do have some form of dyslexia, it’s a mild one and overall does not keep me from excelling in school or enjoying reading. Side note: Dyslexia is a terrible name for dyslexics. (Typing that was so hard!)

Other factors in my life align with this divergence. I have trouble with right and left (Google maps is my often confusing friend). My handwriting is atrocious (thank heaven for typing). My spelling is equally bad (thank you spell check). I have a hard time with background noise (noise canceling headphones for the win!) 

I read so much that I could do it with relative ease—and the fact is, you don’t need to understand every single word to follow the story. I sometimes reread things if something didn’t make sense, but truthfully, it didn’t slow me down. I credit Gail Carson Levine and Ella Enchanted for helping overcome my extreme dislike of reading and leading me on a path that brings me immense joy and satisfaction. Stories are my love. I read them. As a librarian, I curate and share them. As a writer, I bring them to life. 

If it were up to Bob, I never would have pushed passed my barriers to find my true love and passion for stories and the truths they shred with us.

I don’t want to diminish anyone’s struggle or make it seem like because this hasn’t affected my school or career, it isn’t a huge deal for a lot of people. My journey doesn’t take anything away from yours and vice versa. You don’t have to accept limits. You don’t have to say I can’t do that because of my fill-in-the-blank. Maybe you won’t do it how everyone does it. Maybe your process will be different. With a few adjustments or accommodations, you can do whatever you are called to do. 

A few things I have found that help me:

•  Listening to audiobooks Many great options for Audiobook listeners these days.

  • Audible is an option, but not your only one.

  • Check out Hoopla or Libby. Use your local library card to get an account. Many libraries can even get you cards online now.

  • Other retailers like apple or Googleplay, kobu all have audiobooks.

  • Spotify is getting into the audiobook game.

  • YouTube has a ton of audiobooks that you can listen to for free with ads or get a premium to avoid them.

  • Chirp is not a subscription and has audiobooks for budget friendly prices

  • Scribd is a subscription service with a ton of ebooks, audiobooks, podcasts, music, and more. It’s only $12 bucks a month and is a great option. There is a free trial. Go ahead and can check them out.

• Speechify is a great app that reads documents for you in a variety of voice options that sound more realistic than the standard phone version. They also have audiobooks!!! You can use my referral code to get $60 off premium. Try it out for free to see if it works for you before committing. I absolutely love it! Male Narrator reads my books out loud to help me catch typos my brain doesn’t notice while reading. 

• Text-to-speech on most computers and phones is good enough if you don’t want to spend money on speechify.

• Using talk to text—it’s not perfect, but gets enough of my point across that it works. Sometimes I find I can sort through my ideas while talking in a different way than typing. 

• Switching your font to opendyslexic or another font that helps you read more easily. Opendyslexic is free to download and many ereaders, including kindle already have it as an available option.

• Recording lectures to listen to them later. 

• Avoid volunteering to write on the board. Unless you really love it. Then you do you.

This is not an exhaustive list. There are a ton of resources out there. Think outside the norm. Try things out and see what helps.

Final Considerations

My final suggestion would be if you have struggled with something, reading or whatever, and have a lot of anxiety associated with it, try to calm your body down and let it know it is safe before trying new techniques. Taking some deep cleansing breaths, gently rub your hands together, notice the sounds or scents around you. Ground yourself in whatever way works best for you—do that first until you come from a place of safety and security. Then test out a new font or try an audiobook! See how it feels!

I am grateful Ella Enchanted came into my life at a young age. There is a book (or many books) out there for you. Something that will inspire you, challenge you, or fill you satisfaction. If you have found it, share it. Tell your friends and see if it inspires them. If you haven’t found it yet, check out your local library or bookstore. They have great ideas for books that may turn you into a reader, or even a writer!